Crave the Mind-Fuck!

I am in such a delicious state of slavedom! Reveling in it entirely. The past few days have been a whirlwind of exploration and rediscovery and I'm virtually saturated in my submission. It seems Master has tapped into that part of me with very little effort. Yesterday, He woke me up with the gerbil vibe inside me, then proceeded to tell me it was time for some ass-training--something I'm working on at the moment. All this after staying up most of the night just talking and discussing everything from life issues to D/s to our fears to our respective pasts. After thoroughly fucking me, we enjoyed spending the day watching a movie and just cuddling. All day I felt my submission on a deeper level. Later that night, He comforted me about the spawn going with their sperm donor for the first time in 14 months. His patience was something He wrapped around me and soothed away the fears and hurts with little thought to His own impending stings. Even later, He unknowingly tapped into my submission again without laying a finger on me or speaking of it directly. I wasn't even aware of it myself until I reached down and felt the slickness between my thighs. From that point on, I remained wrapped in that protective submissive side. I watched Him sleep for a time, then tickled Him awake with kisses. I was definitely His horny little slut at that point, but I knew how tired He was after the previous night's activities and getting up with the spawnlings in the morning. He decided a nice blow-job would finish off the night for Him, and I happily obliged. It didn't send Him off quite the way we thought it would though. Abruptly, He sat up and announced His need to be inside His slave, and proceeded to do just that. Ride me hard. Sated, we smoked and talked until He decided a little more sucking was in order. It still amazes me how such simple things can really penetrate into His slave. After a few minutes, He simply said, "Stop. Go make me some tea." The order wasn't harshly spoken, but it entered my slave mind as cleanly as if He'd ordered me on my knees to service Him. I made His tea and continued to suck Him off while He has a smoke...His particular orders were to suck until He fell asleep, then to curl against His side and stay there. Apparently I stayed there during the night, and He woke with me crammed against Him on His side of the bed this morning. Hehehe. It was a deliciously D/s day and night, and I'm feeling more and more connected to that side of me than I have been lately. I've also put my fears of my lowering pain tolerance levels to rest. The evening before, we had a violent session and I was left begging for more. I was subjected to bone-crushing pain, and I loved it! Couldn't get enough. I guess I'd just gotten far enough away from my slavedom to forget what it was I really can take. My only disappointment is I don't bruise easily, so I wasn't left with a single mark. I could definitely feel them under the skin, but I enjoy seeing His marks and it sucks that I can't. I truly hope Master continues to expore His inner sadist. Yum! Last thought, I do believe my reconnect is causing Master to define His ownership a little more; insigating His own form of exploration. And I do believe some of it is surprising Him. Not only His own reactions to it, but just how much it's effecting my mind and my desire for His collar, His hand and His Dominance over me. With each step, we're taking it a little deeper each time. Lord-love-a-duck, it's the sexiest mind-fuck possible.

A little of this, a little of that...

I have no pain tolerance. Not anymore. What's worse is I don't have the drive/desire for the levels of pain I used to be able to take/want. I keep telling myself I should make the effort to build it back up, but there's that underlying 'it's gonna hurt too much' feeling that sticks to the insides of my head and refuses to be scraped away. Topping those is the knowledge that Master has discovered His inner Sadist and enjoys that aspect of us. His patience with me regarding this is the real kicker...He's too damn caring of my feelings! Yep, totally fubar, aren't I? A Master who's understanding and tolerant, caring and compassionate? Pffftt! Who'd want that? Heh. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but I have to wonder if there are times when He can be too caring and tolerant of my wants, needs and desires. I wonder what would happen if He pushed me past this little blockage I seem to have developed. There's that fine line between being His slave and being His wife that I haven't quite gotten the hang of walking. The job descriptions in both overlap in a lot of areas, but there are times when...well, 'never the twain shall meet' as it were. It's like a damn fork in the road; which should I take at any given time? I'd like to say I'd always take the 'slave' road, but anyone with an ioda of experience knows that that isn't reality...living D/s 24/7 isn't a clear cut 'I'll always be ready and able to drop at Your feet' kinda deal. I think I've strayed off topic. I also think it's time for a little trip down the 're-examination' path. For myself at least. The one thing I can say in all certainty is: It's never very far from the surface. No matter how far I stray from my slavedom, it's never a long journey home. On a positive note, I've discovered a love of mouth-fucking. Nope, not the good old-fashioned blow-job...mouth-fucking. Oh, what a slave I be, when my Master mouth-fucks me! Fodder for another entry. ;)

Karmic smack-down, where are you?

I have news! Unfortunately, I'm no longer in the mood to write about it. I'll have to come back on another post and recapture the excitement. At the moment, I'm just irritated beyond belief. I don't understand why people choose to be 'friends' with other, less than desirable, people. What's the appeal? Being 'different'? Sometimes it's just not worth the effort to try to 'find the good' when someone repeatedly shows their true colous. I'm all for giving someone a chance, but seriously, there is a point when you just have to walk away. I have a friend, who doesn't find this 'other person', who's truly repugnant, all that bad. Now, this would normally be fine, I'm not in the habit of chosing my friends' friends, but this 'other person' is so undesirable that I have to wonder why my friend would bother. Apparently, this 'other person' wonders why my friend would bother with me, as well. This pissed me off more than I could artiuculate at the time. Maybe it's a territorial thing. He was my friend first. Silly, childish, yes. But I feel a disloyalty there. Not so much that my friend has other friends, but that he stays friends with this newbie after they've spoken badly about me. To me, the logical thing is to remain loyal to the original friend. Especially since it wasn't merely the average friendship. Again, yes, I see the 'junior-highishness' in this, but it's what's going through my head right now. Why would you want to be friends with some new person who's proven themselves to be disgusting and puts down the current friends? Bah, it's retarded. It's also made me realize people aren't always what you thought you saw, or always what you want them to be. I count few people amoung my friends, and to lose one because of some prick is a harsh deal, but this 'other person' is that repugnant, and the situation irritates me that much that it bleeds into other aspects (such as losing the excitement of the post I was originally going to make), that I feel it's a real possibility. How sad. It's like I want my friend to make a choice between us, and I feel that he'd say that he wouldn't (nor should he), and I know he'd defend this whole crapsack of a mess with the irrefutable logic that he shouldn't have to (again, he shouldn't, I agree), and that'd lead to me losing in the end. I'd lose my friend over this IE: the repugnant jerkoff gets 'picked'. Wow, now that IS junior-highish. The thing is, is I WANT him to do that. I want him to make that choice, I want to be that childish! I don't feel great about wanting it, but there is is in plain black and white...or green, or whatever colour it's on. I want to be 'picked'. Eeesh. Well, I thought I might feel better if I tried to get it out 'on paper', but that didn't so much happen. It just showed me how truly childish I can be. *Sigh* That feels great. Not. Argh, I'm gonna go concentrate on something else...this is ridiculous. I'll put my faith in that some karmic smack-down will happen and remove jerkoff from sneaking, unwanted, into my thoughts.

Warranty expires at 30

Ugh, I hurt. After days of agony, I broke down and went to the dentist today, only to learn I need a root canal done. That in itself wouldn't be so bad, but I have to wait for another 2-3 days to get it done because the area is too badly infected to do anything. In the mean time, I don't get to sleep. Yeah, that's fun. I have to keep freezing it with ice water every few minutes to keep the pain bearable. So hear I am, Sir asleep beside me, typing out this post. As if that weren't enough, my tooth issues lead to a broken toe. At least I think it's a toe. Could be a foot, but more likely a toe. Having not slept much the night before, I dozed off this morning while waiting for a phone call from the dentist to book an emergency appointment. I woke to the sound of the phone ringing and oh-so-gracefully (not)lept off the bed only to meet with the cat as it shot around my feet. I went down, trying to avoid mashing the furball into pulp, and somehow landed on the top of my instep. Sir, completely startled as I lept past Him, tried to catch me, but between the cat and sleep deprivation, He really had no chance. Oddly enough, I felt no pain. My only concern (other than mashed cat) was to get to that phone and the dentist on the other end. After about 30 seconds on the phone, I looked down and saw that my foot was already black and swelling...but still no pain. I did get the appointment (obviously), and had a good laugh about the whole thing. Even now, I feel no pain in my foot--my mouth makes up for it--although it is very swollen and black across the top. I can walk fine; just a minor limp. I swear the warranty on a body runs out at 30. Well, not one of my more thoughtful or well written posts, but hey, it's 2:30am and I'm running on very little sleep. Sadly, I have no new D/s news to report.

Forever and a day! Or, "The Re-Journey!"

Jeepers, it's been forever since I've been here. Longer since I posted anything. It's about time I did something about that. Lately, I've been trying to reconnect with my submissive side, and I'm finding it surprisingly hard to do. Well, not so much hard...as different. At least this time I know what I'm doing. Part of my reconnect has been nothing more than simply reading a journal written by a married, r/l slave. I felt a connection to this stranger for the simple fact that a) she lived as a r/l slave; b) she understood the fantasy side of being a slave is just that, fantasy. She talked about her true inner feelings, good and bad. And now... now she's gone. She's had to shut down her journal (for reasons I can't quite understand) and I found that disturbed me more than I would have guessed. I was set adrift. Still stinging from the loss, I've decided in order to re-examine my own submissive side, I need to actually re-examine MY submissive side. Not someone else's. In a way, I'm going to try to pick up the torch she was forced to lay down, and carry on in a similar fashion. That means being painfully honest; glaringly blunt, and not sugar-coating or gauze-lighting my inner feelings. It has a scary, yet oddly satisfying appeal. With that, I re-embark on the journey! At least this time I'm not running down the forest path, arms flailing, with no clue as to where I'm going, and basically unprepared for what I'll find. No, this time I have on a sturdy pair of hiking boots, a snack pack of trail-mix, and a handy-dandy guidebook, first aide kit, flashlight, and other assorted journey-type paraphenalia. More importantly, I have the two things I'll need most. A strong guiding hand and a history...

Mental masturbation = cerebral orgasm

I thought I'd write something about masturbation. I don't know why. I suppose I've been doing a lot of mental masturbation lately. That's not to say I've been having an inordinate amount of sexual fantasies, I've just been stroking a lot of places in my mind that A) bring me some form of pleasure, or B) are stimulating. Some good will come of these thoughts, I'm sure...one way or another. They will motivate me, or they won't. Either way it's a win/win situation. Unlike sexual masturbation, I can touch and stimulate anywhere the mood strikes without fear of reprisal. I can indulge while standing in line at the grocery store, letting my minds eye roll back and my inner person writh and gasp as I touch on places that make my future shiver. I can let ripples of pleasure shudder across my grey matter when I touch on my most inner thoughts and dreams, letting them creep along at their own pace, soaring far into fantasy. And all without anyone being aware. The beauty of all masturbation is: No matter what, I am always satisfied at the end --in varying degrees, but always satisfied. There is always a climax...at some point. Sometimes it doesn't come for days, as I return time and again to a favoured thought, letting myself be carried away by it, until I bring it to a final and mind-numbing conclusion. There is a downside to mental masturbation...several in fact. Sometimes it leads to want, and sometimes it leads to disappointment. Reality rarely has a chance when put to the comparison and, that can lead to dissatisfaction. And interesting mix of cerebral orgasm tainted by reality. I like that...cerebral orgasm. Turning 30 means I'm getting closer to my sexual peak. I wonder if that means mental masturbation will improve as well. I like to think so. And if I turn out to be right, I'll be indulging more and more. That thought makes 30 a little less irritating. I'm not dealing so well with the whole 30 business, so having found one thing that's positive about it is a nice change of pace. I'm over my pity party. They don't usually last more than a few hours before I kick all the guests out and clean up the mess left behind. This one must have been a binge, having lasted a few days, but I can say it's over now. Cleaning up the mess is going to take a little longer than usual, but I'm prepared to do it. Mostly. One of the things I'm most proud of about myself is, I'm always able to find the good in everything...so it was just a matter of doing that. Sometimes I have to dig deep to find it, but I've always managed to do it. I had to dig deeper than I ever have before, but I shouldn't have doubted I would. It was a good lesson, and a good test; making myself go farther than I've had to previously. It prevents stagnation. It raises the bar. I'm glad it happened. Life: Bring it on. I'm armed with the most powerful weapon. Mental Masturbation.

"Shields up! Fire when ready."

Recently, my past has come back to haunt me in more ways than one. First, I had to let go of an old friend. What we once had is no longer there, and that's a tough pill to swallow when you've shared a lot. But I've come to a point in my life where I can't have people popping in and out of my life, expecting things to remain the same. I began feeling like a child's toy; put away when it's not convenient and brought out to be played with, like no time has passed. It was painful to shut the lid of the toy box for good, but it was something that had to be done. I have enough 'second places' in my life. I don't need another. Second, I see myself repeating past patterns I thought I had learned from. I suppose I have learned if I can recognize them, though. Now it's a matter of how I handle them. I think it's time I put my wall back up; that protective sheild that keeps things/people at a safe distance. I'm usually pretty good at firing up that wall early on, but I think I've begun letting things sneak past that I probably shouldn't have. It's safest behind the wall. Perhaps not the healthiest of things, but definitely the safest. Something isn't right between Dom and I. It's a time issue, and nothing that can be changed, but that doesn't make it easier to accept. I try not to be too demanding, but if I mention it, I feel like I'm whining. I keep repeating that it's a temporary situation, and that I can handle this, but some days, I'd like some reasurrance. It's a cycle, I want it, but if I get it, I feel like I'm being 'high maintainance', like I'm adding just one more pressure. So, I don't often bring it up. I avoid things. And I hide things. Not for the sake of hidig them, but for the sake of not adding more difficulties to an already difficult situation. Bah. I can't see a way to put a positive spin on it. If left to my own devices too long, I make serious mistakes. There's nothing to do but to wait it out. Have I mentioned I'm not a patient person? The more I think about it, the more the 'wall' seems like a good idea. The only problem with it is, it also keeps out the good. But the 'good' is where I start wanting things I can't have. Why do I set myself up for it? I start out thinking I can keep things straight, then I see myself failing miserably at it, and yet, I do it again. I'm beginning to think it's a fatal flaw in my make-up. Self-sabotage. Being 'extra' takes a lot of strength, and the ability to always accept that what you want is never as important to the others as it may be to you. Well, that's maybe not the right way to say it. It's important, but it's never going to be a deciding factor. Being 'extra' means knowing that if something goes wrong, your line is going to be the first thing cut and set adrift. I think that's probably the root of this self-pitying post. "In case of emergency, cut all but the necessary." Sink or swim. I will always swim, I'm a fighter at heart...but I'd take on a lot of water. If I were a trekkie, now's when "Sheilds at maximum", would be heard. Several times I've gone back to delete 90% of this post, I'm not usually the self-pity type, but today, I'm indulging.