Mental masturbation = cerebral orgasm

I thought I'd write something about masturbation. I don't know why. I suppose I've been doing a lot of mental masturbation lately. That's not to say I've been having an inordinate amount of sexual fantasies, I've just been stroking a lot of places in my mind that A) bring me some form of pleasure, or B) are stimulating. Some good will come of these thoughts, I'm sure...one way or another. They will motivate me, or they won't. Either way it's a win/win situation. Unlike sexual masturbation, I can touch and stimulate anywhere the mood strikes without fear of reprisal. I can indulge while standing in line at the grocery store, letting my minds eye roll back and my inner person writh and gasp as I touch on places that make my future shiver. I can let ripples of pleasure shudder across my grey matter when I touch on my most inner thoughts and dreams, letting them creep along at their own pace, soaring far into fantasy. And all without anyone being aware. The beauty of all masturbation is: No matter what, I am always satisfied at the end --in varying degrees, but always satisfied. There is always a climax...at some point. Sometimes it doesn't come for days, as I return time and again to a favoured thought, letting myself be carried away by it, until I bring it to a final and mind-numbing conclusion. There is a downside to mental masturbation...several in fact. Sometimes it leads to want, and sometimes it leads to disappointment. Reality rarely has a chance when put to the comparison and, that can lead to dissatisfaction. And interesting mix of cerebral orgasm tainted by reality. I like that...cerebral orgasm. Turning 30 means I'm getting closer to my sexual peak. I wonder if that means mental masturbation will improve as well. I like to think so. And if I turn out to be right, I'll be indulging more and more. That thought makes 30 a little less irritating. I'm not dealing so well with the whole 30 business, so having found one thing that's positive about it is a nice change of pace. I'm over my pity party. They don't usually last more than a few hours before I kick all the guests out and clean up the mess left behind. This one must have been a binge, having lasted a few days, but I can say it's over now. Cleaning up the mess is going to take a little longer than usual, but I'm prepared to do it. Mostly. One of the things I'm most proud of about myself is, I'm always able to find the good in everything...so it was just a matter of doing that. Sometimes I have to dig deep to find it, but I've always managed to do it. I had to dig deeper than I ever have before, but I shouldn't have doubted I would. It was a good lesson, and a good test; making myself go farther than I've had to previously. It prevents stagnation. It raises the bar. I'm glad it happened. Life: Bring it on. I'm armed with the most powerful weapon. Mental Masturbation.

"Shields up! Fire when ready."

Recently, my past has come back to haunt me in more ways than one. First, I had to let go of an old friend. What we once had is no longer there, and that's a tough pill to swallow when you've shared a lot. But I've come to a point in my life where I can't have people popping in and out of my life, expecting things to remain the same. I began feeling like a child's toy; put away when it's not convenient and brought out to be played with, like no time has passed. It was painful to shut the lid of the toy box for good, but it was something that had to be done. I have enough 'second places' in my life. I don't need another. Second, I see myself repeating past patterns I thought I had learned from. I suppose I have learned if I can recognize them, though. Now it's a matter of how I handle them. I think it's time I put my wall back up; that protective sheild that keeps things/people at a safe distance. I'm usually pretty good at firing up that wall early on, but I think I've begun letting things sneak past that I probably shouldn't have. It's safest behind the wall. Perhaps not the healthiest of things, but definitely the safest. Something isn't right between Dom and I. It's a time issue, and nothing that can be changed, but that doesn't make it easier to accept. I try not to be too demanding, but if I mention it, I feel like I'm whining. I keep repeating that it's a temporary situation, and that I can handle this, but some days, I'd like some reasurrance. It's a cycle, I want it, but if I get it, I feel like I'm being 'high maintainance', like I'm adding just one more pressure. So, I don't often bring it up. I avoid things. And I hide things. Not for the sake of hidig them, but for the sake of not adding more difficulties to an already difficult situation. Bah. I can't see a way to put a positive spin on it. If left to my own devices too long, I make serious mistakes. There's nothing to do but to wait it out. Have I mentioned I'm not a patient person? The more I think about it, the more the 'wall' seems like a good idea. The only problem with it is, it also keeps out the good. But the 'good' is where I start wanting things I can't have. Why do I set myself up for it? I start out thinking I can keep things straight, then I see myself failing miserably at it, and yet, I do it again. I'm beginning to think it's a fatal flaw in my make-up. Self-sabotage. Being 'extra' takes a lot of strength, and the ability to always accept that what you want is never as important to the others as it may be to you. Well, that's maybe not the right way to say it. It's important, but it's never going to be a deciding factor. Being 'extra' means knowing that if something goes wrong, your line is going to be the first thing cut and set adrift. I think that's probably the root of this self-pitying post. "In case of emergency, cut all but the necessary." Sink or swim. I will always swim, I'm a fighter at heart...but I'd take on a lot of water. If I were a trekkie, now's when "Sheilds at maximum", would be heard. Several times I've gone back to delete 90% of this post, I'm not usually the self-pity type, but today, I'm indulging.

Ritual

I woke up one day feeling I needed something to focus my mind toward my submissive side...my own ritual (something important to D/s). It's where I know the rules, where I know what's expected, and where I'm most comfortable. After giving it some thought, and speaking to Dom about it, I came up with the idea of a 'prayer'. Something that came from my heart and spoke about what I wanted to remember...who I wanted to be. It took a long time to get just the right words, but now that I have them, I can easily slip into myself just by repeating them. It's something that is now required twide daily. When I wake up and before I sleep at night. I've even found myself repeating it when I feel my temper rising. It gives me a sense of calm and endurance, I suppose. But mostly it reminds me of who I am, how far I've come, and where I want to go. Anyway, here: ------------------------------------------------------------- Each Day Let me trust in His courage and His wisdom, as He has proven worthy Let me believe in His ability to guide me, and strive to improve where there is need Let me serve with grace and humility - ever seeking ways to bring Him comfort and pleasure, remebering to be obedient in all ways Let me give my loyalty and respect, as they belong to Him above all Others Let me remember my every action is a reflection of Him, and allow me to gain strength from Him throughout my day I am whole because of what He has taught me, and each day, I will give myself to Him again. Composed by valeca, for Him. ------------------------------------------------------------ That is my ritual. And I thank Him for it.

Surface area

Well, this is my first real post so it seems like a good place to tell you a little about myself. I'm a 29 year old mother of three. I used to like children. I still do, just not quite as much. I'm one of those people who likes to try a lot of new things, rarely commiting to any for too long. There are only two things I've found that hold my interest. D/s and writing. Those two are manditory in my life. The rest comes and goes with little sustained interest, but those two are a constant. Alright, I suppose my spawn are up there too I'm the least organized person you'll probably meet, but this works for me. I don't see this changing any time in the near future...stranger things have happened, I suppose. I simply enjoy being scattered. Most times. I'm generally a happy person, rarely in a really bad mood, but when I am, watch out. You can usually tell when I'm getting close to being pissed off when I become overly polite. I'm not exactly sure why I go this way; I suspect it has something to do with formality being somewhat cold. I tend to think I know more than you do about things I know a little about. Probably because I need to feel what I know is worth something. I love almost anything to do with writing, but lately, I'm having a hard time sitting down to actually get anything out. I've created two characters who are exact opposite...maybe one of them will do something. If I'm lucky, they'll share it with me. As for D/s, that is something I do know about. I've been collared twice in my 5 years as a submissive. I've lived as a 24/7 slave and I spent the first few years researching every little detail I could about the lifestyle. It's who I am, and I'm comfortable with it. I love talking about it, I have no shame about the way I live. I don't particularly care who knows about it..family, friends, makes no differenece to me. That doesn't mean I make a point of drawing attention to it, but I won't shy away from it either. I have a few Men in my life, whom I treasure, and I'm grasping the idea behind poly relationships (as I couldn't before). As it stands, I consider myself single. Legally, I'm divorced (and happier for it), but I do have a Dominant (my first Master). I'm not sure where I'll end up, but I plan on enjoying the ride there. I can be very lazy. I think that's an important detail. Well, none of this will make a lot of sense to most people, or it will be very general information. I guess if you keep reading, you'll learn more. ~val

From the Inside

Well, since this is just a test...I'll just leave it as this.