"Shields up! Fire when ready."

Recently, my past has come back to haunt me in more ways than one. First, I had to let go of an old friend. What we once had is no longer there, and that's a tough pill to swallow when you've shared a lot. But I've come to a point in my life where I can't have people popping in and out of my life, expecting things to remain the same. I began feeling like a child's toy; put away when it's not convenient and brought out to be played with, like no time has passed. It was painful to shut the lid of the toy box for good, but it was something that had to be done. I have enough 'second places' in my life. I don't need another. Second, I see myself repeating past patterns I thought I had learned from. I suppose I have learned if I can recognize them, though. Now it's a matter of how I handle them. I think it's time I put my wall back up; that protective sheild that keeps things/people at a safe distance. I'm usually pretty good at firing up that wall early on, but I think I've begun letting things sneak past that I probably shouldn't have. It's safest behind the wall. Perhaps not the healthiest of things, but definitely the safest. Something isn't right between Dom and I. It's a time issue, and nothing that can be changed, but that doesn't make it easier to accept. I try not to be too demanding, but if I mention it, I feel like I'm whining. I keep repeating that it's a temporary situation, and that I can handle this, but some days, I'd like some reasurrance. It's a cycle, I want it, but if I get it, I feel like I'm being 'high maintainance', like I'm adding just one more pressure. So, I don't often bring it up. I avoid things. And I hide things. Not for the sake of hidig them, but for the sake of not adding more difficulties to an already difficult situation. Bah. I can't see a way to put a positive spin on it. If left to my own devices too long, I make serious mistakes. There's nothing to do but to wait it out. Have I mentioned I'm not a patient person? The more I think about it, the more the 'wall' seems like a good idea. The only problem with it is, it also keeps out the good. But the 'good' is where I start wanting things I can't have. Why do I set myself up for it? I start out thinking I can keep things straight, then I see myself failing miserably at it, and yet, I do it again. I'm beginning to think it's a fatal flaw in my make-up. Self-sabotage. Being 'extra' takes a lot of strength, and the ability to always accept that what you want is never as important to the others as it may be to you. Well, that's maybe not the right way to say it. It's important, but it's never going to be a deciding factor. Being 'extra' means knowing that if something goes wrong, your line is going to be the first thing cut and set adrift. I think that's probably the root of this self-pitying post. "In case of emergency, cut all but the necessary." Sink or swim. I will always swim, I'm a fighter at heart...but I'd take on a lot of water. If I were a trekkie, now's when "Sheilds at maximum", would be heard. Several times I've gone back to delete 90% of this post, I'm not usually the self-pity type, but today, I'm indulging.